I am having more trouble getting back to normal than would be expected (which is saying a lot). While there have been some important conversations that could have swayed me in the general direction of be-more-mellow-you-expect-too-much-out-of-life-anyway, I still wash my hands every time I touch anything. The fact of the matter is, I cannot be taken anywhere, but it's not my fault because if somebody does not understand the subtleties of my poop jokes, then they are obviously the ones with sad lives. Stuck in the process of relearning how to live the civilized life, I have whole-heartedly devoted myself to the following activities:

1. Getting rid of the yeast on my back.
("Don't worry, CVS employee. This anti-dandruff shampoo will never touch my scalp. It's just for my back.")
2. Reading ONTD every day, aka filling up my hard drive with Inception memes.
3. Watching every episode of True Blood as it comes out.
4. Hating most things, including Mad Men, sneezing puppies, and chauvinism.
5. Replacing the word "funny" with "funky" in all my sentences. E.g., "Misogyny is, like, so NOT funky."

There should be a handbook on how to live your life. I would buy it instantly and just turn my brain off completely. I could probably do that now, as I have a fairly good understanding of what is wrong with me. I could simply alter my expectations, my moral standings, my comfort levels, be a good-natured bff to every one. Oh man, that sounds so icky.